it’s something we all yearn for, and consume on a daily basis. despite the fact that ive been strictly focused on programming concepts and tech related subjects my entire life, i can’t but feel like ive been stagnant, rethinking or reiterating concepts instead of creating / imagining new ones. this has effectively thrown me into a state of burnout for the past few years, feeling like im useless and, generally, just an attention seeker.

but ever since i was young, ive always had a desire to create my own world. to idealize characters that define me, parts of me, my friends, etc. hence why my entire online (and, nowadays, offline too) persona is based around a character ive made up on the spot. it started off as plain text, writing up context, lore, and a general view of said character(s), never really going past that point, because — its true — i lack any artistic talent.

then Artificially Diffused Images started appearing on the web, under the concept of ‘AI Art’, which has basically poisoned all public spaces with what is commonly referred to as slop. that’s when i realised that… my art, no matter how bad it might be, feels much more alive than any computer could ever ‘generate’ it. ive tried multiple models before, starting off with SD1, novelAI, then moving over to NoobXL, flux, etc. but no model seems to capture the essence of my characters. their generations feel bland, unoriginal, and even drawing on top of them to create something ‘unique’ leaves me with a guilty feeling. it’s not something i created. its yet another thing ive just reinvented, remade.

ibispaint and the drawing process

recently ive purchased a new tablet, mostly for notetaking, but ive been eager to try drawing again. every single time ive attempted it, i was overwhelmed by my own expectations. obviously, i — someone who has barely even touched a pencil before — cant compete with talented artists whatsoever. i used to watch tutorials on how to draw, trying to comprehend techniques that simply would not work out for me, and id just end up a quitter.

yet stuff has changed along the years. now, i want to express myself as much as possible. i want to be free from judgement, even from my own. and its why im no longer afraid of publicising my thoughts onto the internet.
i take my sweet little time to open up ibis (the only app that i truly know how to use) and just sketch around. any ideas coming to mind? sketch them out, test some techniques of my own, and play around. its relaxing, especially after a long exhausting day of work, and there’s no expected outcome.

my lines are too sharp, the chin looks too fat, the face is too squashed… yet none of those matters impact me anymore. art is fine as is — there’s no ‘wrong’ way of doing it, as long as you’re the one creating. it’s not even a competition, im not trying to steal any jobs or anything, everything is created by me for my own consumption, with the side effect that theyre published online (especially profile pictures). and, as it turns out, practice does make it perfect, as ive managed to evolve from simple lines on a canvas to (albeit, ugly) profile pictures. but if anything it’s that ugliness that makes them feel human.

blender and 3d modelling

as with all things i do, i always try to expand my knowledge as much as possible. ive learned how to use CAD software (specifically fusion360) rather quickly when i was in need of designing a case for my home server (which this site is hosted off of!), and the obvious next step would be general digital 3d modelling.

but blender is a huge app, spanning from modelling itself, animation, shading, texturing, mapping… its highly optimized, and very feature rich. its overwhelming for a newcomer who doesn’t have anything in mind, really. thats why small steps are required.

i was used to the layout already, ive opened the app in the past to render an image or two of certain models, but ive never really went past that. and, then i remembered ive always wanted to try animating my roblox characters in something outside of roblox studio as well (moon animator feels restrictive now, and the built in studio animator is just… bad), so blender it is!
and, for the past day or so, that’s exactly what ive been doing. migrating my rigs from roblox studio to blender, enhancing them every here and there, adding the necessary physbones for the tail and ears, and now its working out nicely! and blender’s timeline and animation system is a pleasure to use. the transitions are smooth out-of-the-box, renders are really cool, IK is easy to set up, and you can animate basically any property.

so… what’s your point?

you dont have to be an artist in order to create content (drawings, stories, animations, models, etc). trying stuff that you consider out of your league, miles different from your talent and skills, is really… constructive. it helps clear out your mind, and can help motivate you on the long run.

if it weren’t for the lack of money, and for the appearance of ADI, i probably would have never truly picked up on this creative side of mine. ive always been aware of it, but ive kept myself far away, in order to not disappoint myself when i underdeliver. but really, there’s no expectations anymore. it’s all just sketches, which im happy to turn into somewhat finished pieces. its fun to try stuff out, to see how your own brain processes colors, lighting, shadows… and how your hand manages to learn strokes by itself. its yet another thing that distracts me from the real world we live in, and im all for it.

no one is perfect, and no one can be perfect. im still afraid that, by trying out too many things at once, i may lose my rev-eng talent, my coding skills, or generally remain far behind the competition in this field. im a wishful person, aspiring to become a polyglot (including SL), to have artistic abilities, and to keep my problem solving skills. its highly unlikely for me to complete all those things at once, but… its comfortable to at least have something to aim for.